I am in love with the Ocean, lifting her thousands of white hats in the chop of the storm, or lying smooth and blue, the loveliest bed in the world. In the personal life, there is
always grief more than enough, a heart-load for each of us on the dusty road. I suppose there is a reason for this, so I will be patient, acquiescent. But I will live nowhere except here, by Ocean, trusting equally in all the blast and welcome of her sorrowless, salt self.
Ahh. Here I am, sitting on my simple lil dorm bed, thinking and writing and feeling sad but so joyful and knowing I’m okay. I’m missing my mama and sissy who just left a few hours ago after an adventurous, fun-filled parents weekend of exploring my San Diego city, so I’m indulging in some much needed personal blogging and tea time. I have learned SO MUCH within the past seven weeks, and I can confidently say that I feel at home, that I love it here, that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to have grace with myself and take time for self-care. In college, I’ve found, it’s super easy to be hard on myself and overly disciplined, but I have to keep in mind that I’m in the middle of the biggest life-transition I’ve ever gone through. I make mistakes every day, and I’m still learning how to be on my own, but it is a beautiful change, and I’m in awe of the transformation that has gone on in my heart.
My new favorite thing to do is climb down the cliffs (by way of rope) to Garbage Beach (which is a two minute walk from my dorm), with my camera and journal, early in the morning. Sometimes the sky is a cloudy blanket of blue-gray, and I dig my feet into the sand and bask in the castles of cliffs that surround me. And there is the sea, leaving a trail of foam and magic and salty stardust. A beating heart, a churning soul.
I realize I will be challenged here. My faith will be questioned, and I will question–but it is good, and I pray you will lead me to the truth Lord. I know you are truth. In this place, in this beautiful place where I feel so alive and loved, I seek to know you and know truth.
Right now, my heart is like these waves. Right now, there is no place more perfect for me to ponder my faith. My Colorado heart loves the mountains because they know who they are. The mountains are quiet and confident, majestic and strong, trustworthy and constant. But the ocean, it is restless. The ocean is uncertain in a steadfast way. The ocean knows it will reach the shore eventually, but it doesn’t always know how or why or when. The ocean longs for something greater. The ocean is never satisfied with itself, it must always be changing–growing, shrinking, leaping, resting. The ocean is excited for the day but violent in the night. The ocean wants to be known so it keeps making a sound. It wants the sky to know it’s alive because it is so, so in love with it. The ocean is my friend.
Thank you Jesus for this moment and for this day. More than anything, you are my everything. I am alive, and I am in love. In love with the sea, the sky, the words–with all that you are. College is overwhelming, beautiful, confusing, lonely, happy, silly, exciting, and one of the most grand adventures I’ve ever been on.
College things that make life abundant & full of joy:
~laying on top of a cold cement table, wrapped in blankets and looking at stars and hearing crashing waves with my roommate, sticking our feet towards the sky and talking about life and praying together and laughing together and knowing and experiencing the presence of God together.
~Skyping my family on Sunday mornings, seeing their happy faces and knowing they’re okay.
~Riding my bike through the naval base next door, appreciating beautiful seas and expressing quiet gratitude to those who serve.
~Adventuring in Old Town with new friends, eating heavenly homemade tortillas with our fingers, dancing to live Mexican music and laughing the whole time.
~Watching the indescribable sunsets every night after dinner in the caf.
~Playing my harp messily & loudly in my dorm.
~Taking my Bible to the beach and sticking my toes in the sand, smiling to myself and feeling sunshine on my face.
~Laughing uncontrollably with my roomies late at night, already having millions of inside jokes.
~Listening to the ocean, seeing the ocean, feeling the ocean, smelling the ocean, tasting the ocean, dancing in the ocean, kissing the ocean, being the ocean.
~Drinking yummy Harvest Blend tea from Trader Joe’s.
~Friday afternoon runs along Sunset Cliffs Boulevard: the endless ocean on one side of me and quaint, succulent-decorated homes on the other side; feeling the ocean breeze on my skin and sweating out the stress.
~Ordering delicious iced coffee and baklava at the most petite coffeeshop about a mile from school that plays classical music and makes me happy while I study.
~Obsessing over Jane Austen and exploring cool places with my new best friend/book soulmate Cynthia.
~Knowing there are a million reasons to be alive, loving and praying and trusting.
happy happy happy